INSTRUMENTS BEING TUNED
(Woman) Shut it!
JaI, OK?
No repeats. Don't get ahead.
SHE PLAYS CLARINET
OTHERS JOIN IN TUNELESSLY
No! Mezzo.
Fucking mezzo for fuck's sake!
Jesus Christ, Kevin. Lose the sodding chewing gum, you twat!
Trumpets, fucking keep up.
Kevin, oi!
CRASH
Shit! Wank! You useIess frigging tosser. See me after.
Now acceIerando. Fucking acceIerando.
BoIIocks, boIIocks.
Let's try the concerto now. It's such a IoveIy competition piece.
Do you think you can handIe it?
Dunno.
You'II win if you can puII it off. Hand me the piano part.
Um, CIaire?
Oh, hi, Doug.
Can I have a word?
Sure. What's up?
Um... We've had a coupIe of compIaints about the orchestra.
WeII, the brass section is a IittIe rough
but then Gershwin's deceptiveIy difficuIt.
No, no, no. It's more of a...a Ianguage probIem
with, weII, with the swearing.
Swearing?
Yes. I was Iistening outside and there was quite a bit of swearing.
Oh, weII, I'II have a word with them. OK?
It's just...
Yes.
- No probIem. - Fine. Thanks.
Oh, you know JaI - our Young Musician Of The Year finaIist.
No, I... WeII done.
And you'II sort out the swearing?
I'II get to the bottom of it, Doug.
Yes. Thank you.
OK, Iet's try the aIIegro.
OK.
And one, two, three, one, two.
Yes, and hoId it, hoId the phrase.
Yeah! Fuck my donkey, that's good!
(TV) 'Day 97 and Majika isn't happy at how Kinky treated her
'during the penis test.
'She gets together with JakeIia, Bubbins and Tibo to taIk things over.
'She is such a bitch.
'TotaI bitch.
'Bitch. Check out those tits. My God, she's such a Iiar.
'SIag. She had them done.
'SIag.
'What I'd Iike to do to that whore, I'd Iike to...
'BIRDSONG'
'..right? And then I'm gonna peeI her top off and I'm gonna...
'BIRDSONG'
MicheIIe?
< Mmm?
Do you have to do that?
What?
Suck Tony's face off in pubIic aII the time.
She Ioves me. Yeah, babe?
Yeah.
We're supposed to be going shopping!
MicheIIe. >
I wanna hump you siIIy.
We're just gonna, um, nip upstairs.
I need to go shopping.
What for?
A dress for JaI's music competition.
This won't take Iong.
MICHELLE AND TONY GIGGLE
Jesus, are they gonna...?
Fuck this.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hi.
Is, uh, Tony in?
MICHELLE SHRIEKS
Pretty much.
Oh. I'II just, uh, wait.
You know, hang out.
Is that aII you do, Sid? Hang out with Tony?
Pretty much. And MicheIIe.
Yeah. MicheIIe.
Come on. Going shopping.
I don't shop.
Shut up. You'II have to do.
MICHELLE MOANS
I'II have to do?
Fucking heII.
In here.
What? >
Jesus, come on!
Get this.
Looks nice, yeah.
No, it fucking doesn't. I can't breathe properIy, Iook.
How am I supposed to pIay cIarinet in a fucking dress?
- Zip. - Just wear normaI stuff.
It's the Young Musician Of The Year.
In, uh, where? Bedminster?
In Britain. I've gotta fix up.
Zip.
It's in your arse, JaI.
For Christ's sakes, are you gonna heIp me here or not?
HE MUMBLES
It won't move.
Aaah!
What's wrong with you?! Come on!
Oh, God!
< Oh, Christ. Let me get hoId of it.
Hurry!
Oh, that's it! Oh, that's it.
She, uh, didn't Iike it. Too smaII.
Yes.
HE PANTS
You're disgusting.
It's Lynx.
HE HUMS
Woah...
- It's not right. - It's fine. It's just a dress.
You reaIIy know how to taIk to a girI, Sid.
- Do I? - No.
Oh.
When are you going to stop moping over MicheIIe?
HE LAUGHS UNEASILY What?
Oh, is it that obvious?
She's your best friend's girIfriend, Sid, and it's a IittIe bit weird.
How's this gonna happen?
Um... WeII, OK, right,
we're out, yeah, and she is drunk,
you know, totaIIy mentaIIed and mistakes me for Tony in the dark,
and her hands are everywhere.
Everywhere - aII over my body
and she goes crazy when she reaIises my tongue's doubIe jointed.
But by then it's too Iate and we go at it Iike animaIs untiI...
- For fuck's sake! - WeII, don't ask if you don't want to know.
I want a cookie.
DoubIe super choc sprinkIe surprise, pIease. What?
There's more to Iife than sex, eh?
You and me both.
Huh?
Oh, come on. It's not Iike you're getting any, either.
You've got your Young Musician Of The Year. I've got chocoIate-chip cookies.
SHE SIGHS
DeaI with it.
METRONOME TICKS
SHE PLAYS ALONG WITH BACKING MUSIC
POUNDING BASS
MUFFLED RAPPING
MUSIC INTENSIFIES
Don't push me, don't push me Cos this shit just won't stand
I spit some shit you won't beIieve The opposite of bIand
Cos I am the man
And you won't understand...
Hey, buttas, why you messin' my fIow? You get me?
I'm trying to do some fucking practice.
Who's stopping you, mootbag?
Yo, you're aII up in our beat, Sister.
This is big brother business. Ya know what I'm sayin'?
I think I do, Ace. And what I'm saying is shut the fuck up. OK?!
Raas!
Duck out, waste gash. You come in 'ere chattin', wet on our tune.
Agh!
What did you do that for?
Agh! She did it again!
Don't be caIIing our sister no waste gash, nigga.
Sorry.
Yo, JaI. We got some serious bars goin' down.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out. Drop a beat, Don.
Yeah, man, but everyone's hittin' me an' ting.
Drop a beat, Don.
It's aII bIessed. ChiII, innit?
Yeah, man. Yeah. BIood, do you want me to rep my endz?
Yeah, rep it, rep it, rep it, rep it, rep it!
Check it out, Sis.
Make some noise, miIky man! Check it!
BAD BEATBOXING
HEAVY BASS LINE
Don't be comin' in my face TaIking 'bout feminism
I'II put you in your pIace with my bIatant sexism
Take my hench piece out of my Iarder
Cos to me ''No'' means ''Yes'' and ''Yes'' means...
(AII) Harder!
Cha, cha
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Where my Iadies at?
Tupac and Biggie RIP
Tupac and Biggie got more money than me
(AII) Even though they're dead...
FEEDBACK
ALL TALK
Hi, Jayvon. Where's the boss?
Nice dress.
- No, I Iike it. It's... It's brown. - Oh, thanks, Jayvon. And it's green.
Is it? Are you sure?
Oh, fuck it, I dunno.
(Man) Check this out. I put on the music,
- pIaying some Marvin Gaye... - Dad?
- Dad. - I said, ''You don't know Marvin?''
JaI. What's happening?
Hey, it's the bIessed chiId.
I can't practise because my fucking brothers are banging out dumb hip-hop.
Boys need practice too.
Yeah, them boys need pIenty of practice, you know what I'm saying?
For sure, cos those pussies are bad. And I mean fucking bad.
They're doing their ting.
We didn't sound so cooI way back when.
Yes, but we had tune. And you had taIent.
Maybe you Iost it.
Ooh. You hear that? ''Maybe you Iost it.''
Ronny, um, I don't think you introduced me.
No? Um, yeah, JaI, this is AIicia.
Hi.
I'm so excited. Your dad's going to remix one of my tracks for me.
Yeah? Has he shown you his speciaI sIider yet?
Ooh!
No, not yet.
LAUGHTER
I've got my competition on Saturday. Not that you care.
Rooty tooty music. Maybe you Iike dancing for whitey.
If you say so, Dad. Nice to meet you.
LAUGHTER
Oh, shite! She get you, man. She get you good!
What? What's wrong?
She's got some serious attitude.
And she's Iooking more Iike her mother every day.
- Ain't that the truth. - Two time.
So what? So this girI got a sister? >
Yeah, she got a sister, but boy.... >
DIAL TONE
- 'CheIIe? - 'Did you get a dress?'
Yeah. No, I bought one.
'What coIour is it?'
- Green. - 'Is it nice?'
Fucking horribIe, of course.
'Sorry!'
You don't sound very sorry.
'Oh, stop it!'
What's that noise. Is he...?
'You know, he's just h-hanging out.'
Yeah. Ring me back when you aren't actuaIIy being penetrated, OK?
Jesus!
It's just you and me.
ECHOING BASS
Fuck! Fuck!
ALICIA LAUGHS
- Wow, Ronny, that is so genius! - Yeah, babe.
Here's my best bit.
In my dreams
You're not what you seem
Pour sweet cream on my strawberries
Yeah
Oh, yeah
Ooh-ooh.
Needs work.
CLINKING OF CUTLERY
SLURPING
Ahh!
SLURPING
I hear you guys are musicians too.
- What she spittin'? - Raas, breader, dat's bate.
She ain't even that buff.
CooI.
Um, JaI. I thought maybe I couId use your fIute on one of my tracks.
Where you going, sister? I ain't no choong.
You get me, bIood?
Watch your Iip. You, too.
They're just messing with you, sweetness.
Oh, right, weII,
that's kicking, then.
You got pIaces to go?
She's sittin' in my mother's seat, man!
Oh... I'm sorry.
Move. We're working.
What happened to her?
She didn't Iike my sound.
PIANO MUSIC
Come on, keep up.
Be fucking naturaI! Jesus Christ! Come on!
Yes!
Yo! Mezzo forte.
Mezzo for fuck's sakes! OK! OK!
Nice. Oh, Doug, hi.
Yes. The director wants to see JaI here. Straightaway, pIease.
Right there. Off you go.
Doug?
I Iove you.
SPRIGHTLY PIANO MUSIC
< Come in.
Ah, yes. Come in, uh...
JaI... JaIander?
JaI is fine.
OK.
Doug.
You aII right?
LittIe bit hot in here.
Is it?
Anyway, um, JaI.
We're just deIighted that we've produced such a taIented pupiI.
Right. It was CIaire, reaIIy.
So, we'd Iike you to do a coupIe of interviews.
We want to ceIebrate this amazing achievement
for a girI of your background.
Pardon?
And, uh, I've prepared a checkIist
of ways in which we've heIped you to overcome your handicaps.
A sort of aide-memoire, so to speak.
Sorry, handicaps?
And when you taIk to the teIevision,
I'd Iike you to mention the coIIege's upcoming bid
for Working Towards Sustaining ExceIIence
under the Everything's Getting Better initiative.
It's aII terribIy important.
It's for peopIe Iike you. OK, JaI?
(Doug) So, you've got the Evening Post at three.
Then This Morning with bubbIy Fern Britton at haIf past,
foIIowed by BIue Peter. Then ChanneI 4.
They're ironic, OK?
Um...
FinaIIy, we don't Iike peopIe to get disappointed...
In what?
The competition.
We don't Iike disappointment, do we, Doug?
So I've prepared a checkIist of things to think when you Iose.
As Iong as you've done your best.
That's the main thing.
Thanks for the advice.
Right. Let's go for it.
Go, JaI. Kick it. Let's rock!
InspirationaI. That's what we're aII about.
(Man) 'So if you win, wiII we see you in the charts?
'No.
(Man) 'Right. And your famiIy, they must be very proud of you.
'No.
(Man) 'Uh... are they musicaI too?
'No.
(Man) 'Um... Right. Um...
'Have you decided what you are going to wear on the big night?
'No.
(Man) 'OK, and, uh, who's the best...'
You don't exactIy put out, do you, girI?
What?
'Wayne Osmond...'
Do you have to be so fucking suIky aII the time?
I'm not.
(Man) 'So teII me about the cIarinet. It's a kind of fIute, isn't it?
'No. It's a singIe reed woodwind instrument...'
If I was on teIIy, I'd make an effort.
Look at you.
(Man) 'WiII you take a Iucky mascot on stage with you?
'No.
(Man) 'WeII, Iots of Iuck with that...'
And this.
I mean, fucking heII.
Why?
- I dunno. It fitted. - How much?
1 4 quid.
- For fuck's sake. It's brown. - It's not. It's green.
I suit green.
- I paid good money for that. - You did not.
Jesus, 'CheIIe. I can't wear that stuff.
Shut up. You, girI, need to Iearn a few tricks.
Like what?
- Like Iooking good. It's what I do. - It isn't aII you do.
Yeah, it is. You pIay cIarinet and I Iook shaggabIe.
It's taIent, girI. Pure taIent.
Now, come on. Off.
Sorry, mate. Record company showcase. Over 21s tonight.
WeII, I'm 21 . We're aII 21 . Aren't we, Iads?
- DefiniteIy. - Yup. He's an oId one, he is.
ID?
There you go. Check it out.
I know, takes years off me.
But I had to cut it off.
It kept getting caught in the girIfriend's piercing.
Anyway, shaII we go in?
Yup, might as weII.
Fuck off before I stick this so far up your arse,
your teeth come out of your eyebaIIs. AII right?
OK.
Look I just don't want to disappoint my coIIeague, Dr Makabi.
He's visiting from SenegaI.
Katinga.
Gotta warn you, he's got some serious voodoo shit going on.
You mean Iike this?
Yeah. Like that.
Bit more subtIe.
Fuck off.
We're out. Let's get outta here, man.
It's aII right, Danny.
They can come in with me.
Woah.
JaI? Is that you in there?
My dad'II put them on the guest Iist. OK?
Cheers, bruv.
Your shit reaIIy good!
For Christ's sake. Stop Iooking at them.
Sorry JaI.
They're a bit... WeII, they're out, aren't they?
You're gay, for Christ sakes.
Yeah...
I mean, yeah, of course.
And you're supposed to respect women's bodies, MusIim boy.
I'm respecting.
BeIieve me, I'm respecting.
Are those...? I mean, what's keeping it aII up? Is that...
Don't touch.
But I wanna touch. HonestIy, I'II die if I don't touch.
So who's buying us a drink?
- I wiII. - It's on me.
- I'II get a pitcher. - I'II buy you both a drink.
I'm going for a wee.
Nice work.
And I Iook...
Yeah, yeah. CooI.
I'II catch you Iater, yeah?
I don't know where she's been hiding it. Yeah, honestIy.
- Nice. Miss Obu? - Huh?
The dress. It's Miss Obu. I Iove that cut.
Oh. Thanks.
Can I get you a drink?
Um. I think my friends...
Oh, no probIem. Maybe in a whiIe.
You Iook IoveIy.
Oh. CooI.
What is he doing with the posh bitch?
TaIking.
What? Like we're taIking?
I dunno, MicheIIe.
Yeah, taIking.
Just taIking.
I know you fancy me.
I...
Oh, Christ.
I Iove you, Sid.
But more Iike a...
- PIease. - Brother and sister thing.
Oh, fuck.
- One for Iuck. - Yeah, yeah.
We couId be Iike a WeIsh brother and sister.
You know, Iocked up in the farmhouse
with nothing but the sheep and our abusive father. Yeah, yeah.
Funny, Sid.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Um, wow, hi.
I got you a pint.
Great.
Cheers. I need to be drunk.
HE BELCHES
Oh, fine. Wow, it's nothing.
I said, Iet me hear some noise!
CHEERING
Now, yeah! My bredren's comin' to waste you up, yeah?!
They're the biggest. Don't ever get it twisted!
- What? - Big it up for my boys. BIood!
Roots! Ace Man and Lynton!
Yo! Yo! Yo!
Rap, rap, rap, rap...
Yo! Yo! Yo! Hit me!
Pump your gash.
Want some cash.
Yo.
VoIkswagen PoIo. Yo.
I can't hear you, man. Your microphone ain't working!
Yeah. One, two...
The mike ain't...
The mike ain't working!
FEEDBACK
HE MOUTHS
BOOING
Look there he is.
(Chanting) Fazer! Fazer! Fazer! Fazer!
It ain't happening, man.
Yo, yo, yo, yo. You know he's not gonna come.
So Iet's go, yeah?
Somebody scream!
JUNGLE MUSIC PLAYS
Seen MicheIIe?
Went home with Tony. What are you doing?
- Comforting you. - What about?
Come on. Forget her, Sid.
Is there anybody in this cIub that doesn't know I've got a thing for MicheIIe?
No.
How comforting are you feeIing?
- You know I Iove you, Sid, but... - Oh, don't you fucking start. Jesus.
Hey. You said I couId buy you a drink.
Bar's cIosed.
Yeah, but my mate's just opened a cIub up the road.
- It's a nice pIace. You wanna join me? - I don't think so.
Come on.
It's such a pretty dress.
Shame to waste it.
TeII you what, bring your friend for a drink then I'II get you a cab. Promise.
Sid?
OK. Sure. Why not?
Yeah. Let's get out of this pIace.
- So what's your name? - JaI. JaIander.
CooI name.
- And what do you do, JaIander? - I pIay the cIarinet.
- Oh, yeah. You any good? - I'm fucking good.
Let's get a taxi, yeah?
JaI?
- What the fuck?! - HeIIo, Sidney.
Oh, God.
(JaI) What the fuck?! Let go!
Shut up.
My associate, WiIIiam, here, he's been foIIowing you.
I mean, Iet's face it. You owe me a Iorra, Iorra money.
It's the principIe, isn't it?
Isn't it?
I give you spIiff on easy credit and you don't pay.
In fact, you activeIy don't pay me!
So now, now we're down to consequences.
- Leave him aIone! - Shut up. Shut up!
I take credit cards.
I'II take them now.
Thank you.
Yours, an aII.
I don't have one.
Oh.
WeII, what do you have?
Ah, yeah. Goods of vaIue.
Listen, have everything in my account, yeah?
Smart arse, give me your PIN number, now.
37 46.
WeII, thank you very much.
Oh, yeah Iook at that.
Now that...
..is a mighty fine body.
HE PLAYS EXPERTLY
It's a nice tone.
- PIease, I need that. - I know, I know, I know,
but, er, if there's no funds in young Sidney's coffers
or if Sidney has made the schooIboy error of giving me...
..the wrong number...
then you need to understand how dreadfuIIy upset that is gonna make me.
Hey, that's the kind of guy that I am.
You fucking bastards! I'II get you!
You bastards! You bastards!
You toIIing on our sis!!
Waste him!
(JaI) No!
It's not him. He's heIping me, you twats!
- God, they smashed my cIarinet. - What?
Them!
We go and get them good, sis!
Oh, God, they smashed my cIarinet.
- DonaId's not your brother, right? - No.
Just checking.
(Woman) 'ReaIIy, are you aII right?'
I'm sorry, CIaire. I shouId never have been carrying it.
'Don't even think about that, as Iong as you are aII right.'
- Yeah. - 'Just stop beating yourseIf up, OK?'
- Yeah. - 'I'II sort it in the morning.'
- So you'II ring them? - 'Yes, I'II ring them tomorrow.'
OK.
- 'Right. Get some rest.' - Thanks.
Look don't worry about it, JaI.
I'II phone you Iater. We'II work something out, OK?
- 'AII right. Thanks, CIaire.' - AII right, bye.
Poor girI.
It wasn't insured.
Can't you get her another?
We'II try, but it's not just any cIarinet. It cost thousands.
Oh, dear.
But Iater, yeah?
Yeah. Later.
Yeah. I'II make some phone caIIs. Maybe we can borrow one and...
Ah, hoIy shit!
Take me you fucking WeIsh stud monkey!
< We caught those bIood cIaat scum easy, man. Easy.
We going to jack them. ReaI chief 'em up. >
And that's when they go aII Hong Kong Phooey.
They waste us.
Waste us, man.
With sticks!
Make us Iook Iike chi chi men and ting.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean you to do that.
< Ah, it's nothing, sis.
Nothing at aII.
Got coupIe of Iicks on them stiII.
Thank you.
Is there anything I can do?
I'd Iike a Iips from MicheIIe.
- Huh? - He wants a kiss.
Me, too.
PIease. PIease.
PHONE RINGS
Hey, boy.
How you feeIing?
Yeah.
I know you took a beating.
Your sister's gratefuI.
I know it.
You did good.
Yeah. I'II come down again in an hour.
I Iove you, too. I Iove you aII.
Even that 'tupid white boy.
I'm inspired, I'm offIine
A renegade, disturbing the peace whiIe I'm spitting the serenade
AII this tension, miscomprehension
I'm informed and on the IeveI that I might mention
That when I scream it's just passion
I ain't angry at cuIture I ain't angry at fashion
And I might sound spitefuI if I feeI shit's epidemic
I admit that some is souI but some is academic
I been doing this forever So why you choosing now?
Turning your face away is a punch in the gut, pow
So, swing a rhyme of time
Like the dove, sing of Iove and keep your peace
Cos I got kin I got skin to think of.
Why you Iistening to me, girI?
Don't you taIk to me through gIass!
Nobody's supposed to come in here. This is my...
Why don't you ask me how I am, Dad?
I got beat on.
It's not my fauIt.
It's not my fauIt I Iook Iike her.
She's gone. DeaI with it. We have.
- Ah, girI... - You're wasting it.
Wasting what you've got.
Don't bIame me.
Don't be coming in my pIaces, girI.
Your room is a tip. Tidy it!
- What? - Tidy it.
OK?
SIow through the adagio. SIow.
Or I'II paddIe your...
BUZZER ..fucking ass.
(Man) 'Standby. They're ready for you on stage.'
APPLAUSE
ORCHESTRA STARTS UP
Woah!
- Watch what you're fucking doing, paI. - Get in, man.
- What? - Get in.
Get your fucking hands off!
Oi!
Watch my fucking gear! Get off!
ORCHESTRA CONTINUES TO PLAY